InfinityandBeyond2

It's been forever since I've been on here. I've been super busy with school and work that I've kinda pushed my art aside. which really sucks. But right now drawing isn't my first priority and I wish I could make it that way but that's life right? And that's something we have to deal with.

I've just been feeling really weird these last few weeks. I'm happy and all but I don't think I'm reaallyy happy. When I sit and really think about it. I'm not happy. And I think it's because I'm not completely over my previous realtionship and it's just been an emotional week. I need a break.

I'm finally feeling better about my whole sitiuation

The guy that I thought I was madly in love with and I are friends now and I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him but everything is getting better. School isn't all that hard and I finally have a job. Things are finally playing out in the right ways for me.

I can finally breathe.

    These last few days, I've been thinking a whole awful lot about two people. One that broke my heart and one with a broken heart. And for some reason I can't seem to get either off of my mind. I can't help but look back at the mistakes I made regarding them.
    The first guy is my ex boyfriend. We where together for 11 months and he stole my heart. Then things just fell apart and I realized that we weren't ment to be. But even with knowing that I still want to sit here and cry about all the stupid things we used to do and all the things he did that did nothing but put a smile on my face. I miss holding his hand in the car and singing along to the radio. I miss running my fingers through his soft, blond hair. I miss his hugs that just ingulfed me in warmth and made me feel that there was no safer place. But most of all I miss who he once was and what he no longer is. I miss the memories but I can't say that I miss him.
    The second is another ex boyfriend but I only dated him for a few months but little did I know within those few months, he captured my heart and never gave it back. I broke up with him for the previous guy and I think that is my biggest regret. He was my best friend and he knew me better than anyone on this planet. He could read me like a picture book and I needed him more than I ever could imagine. And then I just dropped him like a hot potato. And after the previous guy and I broke up, all I've been doing is wishing I could go back and get what I had with him. I lost my best friend, boyfriend, and even soulmate for someone that doesn't even compare and I'm dealing with that regret every single day. I love him, and I will forever love him, even if he doesn't feel the same way back. My heart will forever be his.
    And through all of this, I've somehow have stayed sane.

I have a gaping hole in my heart. I don't know where it came from. Maybe from all the late nights of feeling completely alone or all the nights I was up listening to the screaming words being exchanged between my parents. Either way I have a hole. And I've tried to fill it. With sports, friends, boyfriends. But it seems to never feel right. I can feel it burning into my chest and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to stop feeling so empty inside.